I went to the store yesterday and a young man about twenty years old or so got to the door the same time I did. He held the door open for me to enter first. I figured he could tell I was a cool and hip dude and wanted to show some respect. I turned up my collar like the Fonz and said, “Thanks man.”  However, what happened next rocked my world. He responded, “No problem, gramps.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

I thought about cutting loose with some moves I saw Hulk Hogan do once to Andre the Giant back in 1989 and show him who he was calling gramps. Then I remembered I wasn’t wearing my good shoes with the athletic support, and I didn’t want to sprain anything. Then I realized, maybe it’s best to just move on.

I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. Suddenly, I realized that I may have lived a lot of years, but I have also learned a lot in those years that the little punk at the store doesn’t know. He may have the youth, but I have the wisdom. For example, I have learned that I have never eaten a Hot Pocket that I didn’t regret afterward. It seemed like such a great idea at the time. Ham and cheese inside a delicious croissant. Sadly, reality is that it will either be still frozen in the middle or the insides will be hotter than nine shades of hell. By the time it cools off enough to eat, I’ve already moved on and ate a bologna sandwich.

Over the years, I’ve learned that breakfast in bed is a fantasy. Yeah, it seems great in theory. However, the reality is that my dog gets more food than I do as I spill most of it on the bed. Have you ever slept on a pillow that’s sticky from syrup? Not good.

I’ve also learned that I want to meet the man that invented the paint they put-on remote-control buttons and smack him in the mouth. The writing always wears off the buttons and leaves me trying to decipher what button does what.

I’ve learned that banks are getting ripped off by their security camera salesman. I see photos on social media of people taking pictures of the moon with their iPhone so detailed, I can see things that Neil Armstrong missed. However, someone robs a bank, and the picture is so fuzzy they may as well be getting robbed by Foghorn Leghorn. Who can tell?

I’ve learned that when it comes to trusting people, I should always listen to my dog. They seem to know right away who a good person is and who isn’t. I usually must learn the hard way.

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson in that if I’m dreaming about a toilet, for the love of all that’s holy, do not use it. It never ends well. I can only blame the dog for peeing in the bed so many times before my wife starts to get suspicious.

I’ve learned that when my boss catches me napping at my desk, all I  have to do when he wakes me up is say, “In Jesus name, amen”. He doesn’t say another word to me.