By Anne Carmichael 

Columnist

Let’s talk about the self-checkout trend at superstores.

Eight years ago, I made a conscious decision to retire. I did not, however, decide to return to work as a cashier at our local superstore. Oh, I’m good at it, I’ve learned to find the barcodes and zip right through a full basket of items in record time.

Since I know where my items will be stored when I get home, I know just how to bag them to make them easy to unload at home, as well as how many items constitute a full bag and will be lighter weight and easy to carry. But I still miss the luxury of having someone do it all for me. I like being served, which is why I also dislike cafeteria-style restaurants (but that’s a topic for another time).

We’ve all heard the jokes about Jane and John Doe showing up for staff meetings at the superstore and chowing down on company donuts and coffee, only to be told they are not employees. It’s an easy mistake to assume that since we’re doing the work, we should be reaping the benefits. And where are our paychecks?

But for the sake of this column, let’s assume we understand the parameters of the task and just look at our ‘working’ conditions.

You may have noticed (how could you not notice) the lax dress code. Self-cashiers are not required to wear the khaki pants and blue logoed shirts of our predecessors but some wear their pajamas and fuzzy slippers to “work” the checkout lane.

In the past, a checkout aisle was long with enticing assorted treats and gadgets to solicit your last few dollars. Now, one length of the previous lanes contains 24 checkout stands, each no more than two feet wide with a computer screen, scanner and bag rack crammed in. Should you have more than ten items, some skilled maneuvering will be required to keep your items from rolling off your work area and out to the Lane Police.

Yes, let’s discuss the Lane Police. At first glance, you might assume this legit employee is there to assist you as you navigate your new job as a cashier or to correct any computer glitches, and they do serve that function. But as I learned recently, their little handheld device is also capable of seeing exactly what you’re purchasing and is replete with red flags and whistles that tell the Lane Police if you’ve neglected to scan every single grape or apple or if you’ve made another grievous error. Oh, you won’t get fired, but you will be sternly reprimanded because the Lane Police detests being called upon to work. If you listen closely, you may hear them grousing amongst themselves about their job. It’s probably a fairly boring job, so chasing you out into the parking lot to humiliate and shame is exciting for them.

The supposed-to-be smiling greeters have to now be tasked with asking to see your receipt as you exit the store with any items that were either too large for you to bag or which, in your ineptitude as a self-checker were left in the cart inconspicuously. No more ‘Welcome to the Superstore’ for you!

At the onset of the pandemic, I tried home delivery from the superstore but quickly discovered that they used several third-party couriers to pick up the orders and deliver them. I also discovered on one holiday weekend that one courier took it upon themself to start the holiday before the end of the shift and canceled all orders in the computer without notice to the provider or the recipients.

That experience, combined with numerous item errors and omissions caused me to boycott the superstore altogether for over two years.

I have since done all my ordering online from a brand grocery and I pick up my order curbside. I have had zero errors or complaints in three years.

I have also found that online ordering with ample time to alter my order saves me money, as I stick to a list of items that I write on a whiteboard throughout the week with zero impulse buying in a superstore that has everything from soup to nuts, including clothing, hardware, and As Seen on TV items.

I rarely ‘report to work’ at the superstore unless I’ve neglected to write down items that I need immediately or if there’s something the chain grocery might not carry, but when I am gardening and need 8 bags of mulch, or my grands must have a certain toy, or my stock of play clothes for their time at Nana’s has been depleted, then a dreaded trip to the superstore is my only option.

I hope the former cashiers are faring well and have found suitable and equitable work.

To those displaced by self-checkers, please know that you are missed and we now feel your pain.