By Jack Godbey

Columnist

Have you ever had one of those days where you begin to question if any intelligent people are left in the world? I think we should forget about looking for intelligent life on Mars and start searching for it on Earth because we live in a time where it has become rarer than hen’s teeth.

It seems that everywhere I turned this week, I was trying to figure out if all sanity had been lost. It all started when I stopped to pick up a snack. I wandered through the aisles as if I were a lost calf looking for its mother. I finally decided to purchase a bag of cashews. As I sat stuffing my cheeks with the nuts like a deranged squirrel, I began to read the back of the package, and it was there that my descent into insanity began. Right there on the package of Cashews was printed, “Warning, may contain nuts.”  Really? Are we so stupid that we have to announce that a bag of cashews contains nuts?

I stopped by Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. I should have known better to think I would find any sanity there, but I went anyway. Since it’s been hotter than nine kinds of hell outside, I purchased a windshield shade for my vehicle.  Right there on the package was a big warning that said, “Remove shade before driving.” Okay, I planned to drive home with my windshield covered up with the shade, but I suppose I could remove it. I moseyed over to the produce section to pick out a nice apple. The produce boy saw me looking and decided that I needed to be convinced. He proceeded to talk up the apple as if he were selling me a new car. Calm down, sparky, I just want an apple for goodness’ sake. He then finished up his sales pitch by telling me that the little stickers on the apples are totally edible. Not sure why that’s relevant. You can eat the sticker if you want, but I’ll have to pass.

By this time, I was starting to feel like the only intelligent life left. I began looking for a tube of toothpaste and was looking on the back to check the ingredients because you can never be too sure these days. I could be brushing my teeth with beaver butt, you never know. I read on the back of the toothpaste box instructions on how to use it. It said, “Place toothpaste on toothbrush and place on teeth”. I’m so happy they explained that to me. I had planned on using a hot dog to brush my teeth with.

You would have thought that I would have had enough by now. However, like a fool, I kept on shopping and saw on the back of the bottle of Ibuprofen, “Do not take if allergic to ingredients”. Thanks. Maybe someone should warn me not to rub poison ivy all over my skin because we obviously have no common sense left.

By this time, I was ready to pull whatever was left of my hair out. I went to the drive-thru for a cup of coffee. Once again, stupidity hit me right square in the face. On the lid of the coffee, it said, “Caution hot”. What? My coffee is hot. Well, I would have never guessed. It didn’t take me long to figure out how hot it was because, as usual, I dribbled it on my shirt. When I got home, I threw the shirt in the washer. Just then, I remembered I had a shirt from last night that I spilled salsa on. (Don’t ask, it’s a long story.) I returned to the washer to throw the salsa shirt in, and the washing machine lid was locked. Can you tell me how that makes any sense? So, you just get one chance to fill the washer; then, you are flat-out of luck.