By Jack Godbey 

Columnist

I’ll admit that I spend too much time thinking about things that others just ignore. However, my brain doesn’t work that way. Case in point, I stopped at the store today to restock on beef jerky and pork rinds and a sign on the door read, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Granted, the normal person would ignore the sign completely or at the most, scan it quickly and forget about it. However, in my head I was thinking, So, pants aren’t required. Am I going to go into this store and see a bunch of people wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants? I don’t understand the sign.

Thanks to the fact that I’ve spent over twenty years of my life engaged in higher learning, there are many complex ideas that I understand. Yet, there are many normal things that I just don’t understand. For example, I don’t understand the purpose of making an appointment at the doctor’s office. It’s obvious that no one is even pretending to be following a schedule. They even have a room dedicated just for waiting. You have an appointment at 11:00 a.m., surprise, they won’t actually see you until 3:00 p.m.

I don’t understand Grape Nuts cereal. I bought a box because you know, I like both grapes and nuts but to my disappointment, there wasn’t a grape or a nut to be found in the box. I think that’s a false advertisement. I won’t even talk about the time I bought Fruit Loops but couldn’t find a drop of fruit anywhere.

I don’t understand why it’s an insult to call someone a chicken. Anyone that grew up on a farm knows that most chickens don’t go looking for a fight but have no problem flogging you despite you being ten times their size. Call me a chicken all you want. I’ll take it as a compliment.

I went to the dentist the other day and as I went to pay, there was a huge bowl of suckers to give away.  Didn’t you just give me a ten-minute lecture about sweets and cavities? Not cool man.  Later, I went to the gym, and they were giving away free donuts. Isn’t that defeating the purpose of why I came to the gym to begin with? That would be like the doctor giving away free packs of cigarettes. I just don’t understand it.

I don’t understand five-hour energy drinks. You do know the workday is 8 hours long, right? Not sure the five hours you spend running around like the Tasmanian Devil is beneficial if you end up like Droopy for the other three hours.

I don’t understand why my computer keeps having pop ups asking if I will accept cookies. Heck yes, I’ll accept cookies anytime and anyplace and yet they never send me any cookies. I don’t even care if the cookies come from the dollar store. Yet, no cookies ever come.

I don’t understand why people set an alarm to wake them up at a certain time and then immediately hit the snooze button. It’s as if they are saying, “Just kidding, I really want to get up an hour from now.”

I don’t understand why it’s perfectly acceptable to have waffles for breakfast but not for supper. I can overdose on sugar at supper all I want as long as it’s an approved food such as cake. Don’t try to eat cake for breakfast though. I try to eat waffles for supper or cake for breakfast and suddenly I’m the weird one. The guy at the restaurant looked at me as if I was the Loch Ness Monster because I ordered waffles at night. It’s alright, wait until tomorrow morning when I order a hamburger for breakfast.